Question
I am a 29-year-old single looking for the right one. Am I the only one who feels like there is nobody to date? I have dated all the people that are potentially suitable for me and those relationships didn’t work out. I do get suggestions but they are mostly out of left field and are completely not what I am looking for. Does my bashert even exist? Any suggestions on how to move forward? I feel like I’ve hit a brick wall.
Answer
This always makes me sad to hear. When I hear this, I often recommend going through the list of men/women you’ve dated in the past to see if there is anyone you may consider giving a second chance.
When that doesn’t work – and it may not – I’d suggest you analyze the relationship you turned down to see if you can detect patterns. Did you turn down relationships because they were missing features wanted or because they were missing features you believe you MUST have.
I believe there are many couples that could and should be happily married, but unfortunately are not due to minor and/or superficial details that stand between them and the aisle.
We live in a world which largely defines who we are by very external and superficial traits, qualities, and accomplishments. “What do you do?” “Where do you live?” “Where do you shop?” “Where did you complete your degree/s?” These questions tell us very little about the person on the inside of those external details.
Does it really matter that she is 2 years older? Can you live comfortably with someone who is a brilliant entrepreneur but never went to college? Can you face your social circles with a woman who is not as glamorous as you imagined, but has the caring personality, sterling character, charm and wit of someone you would want to call the mother of your children?
When we invest more in building our external world and accomplishments over our internal world we will find ourselves struggling to make meaningful connections that transcend the external.
By presenting ourselves in the best possible dating light and making a strong first impression, we open possibilities that may not have been available to us previously.
There’s another culprit behind the tendency to reject relationships for external reasons.
In my coaching practice, I’ve found a common pattern of people with low self-esteem that are extremely narrow about what they’re looking for. This is not about their dating partner, it’s about them trying to fill in the gaps they believe they lack. It never works.
We must nurture a healthy sense of self and develop confidence in our inner world in order to define ourselves beyond the external. Otherwise, we will struggle to get beyond the externalities of others and find it difficult to share our inner world with another..
Not only is a healthy self-esteem necessary for us to see ourselves and others in a genuine and undistorted way, the work towards building that self-worth pays off in dating and marriage in a big way. When we build our deeper selves, we attract different types of people and allow more sides of each person we meet to emerge. Sides we may connect to well.
Instead of sitting around with no dates in sight, why not dust off the black book with the willingness to take a deeper look at the character, personality and inner world of another. A world that just may wonderfully compliment your own inner world.
When assuming we’ve rejected those that didn’t measure up, have we examined if we ourselves measure up. If we can’t truly accept ourselves, it’ll be that much harder to truly accept another.
The possibility of “I just haven’t met him/her yet” still exists but proactivity – the willingness to look deeper into others and into ourselves – is always better than no activity.
Let’s use this Purim to unmask our true self within and commit to explore the inner landscape of another special human becoming. Let’s free ourselves from external trappings that engulf and define us, so that we can find a deeper and more meaningful place of empathy and connection. May the unmasking of the hidden gems within all of us lead to an even shorter distance to your longest relationship.
