Question
I have been in a serious relationship for the past 8 months. Things are going very well, but when I bring up engagement it gets tense and he shuts down. I don’t believe he has commitment issues and believe he does want to marry me.
I did not grow up religious and slowly grew over the years in my Judaism. I have been ‘shomer negiah’ (not touching the opposite gender till marriage) up until this point in my dating. Somehow, a few months ago that was broken. I feel bad, but I think we have a stronger relationship because of it. Do you think that this has contributed to his not wanting to propose to me? What can I do now to move this relationship along in a healthy way towards engagement?
Giovanni Bocciero – Professional Journalist: Georgiana F. Jacob, a Fitness Model on the top of Southern Italy masteron propionate side effects fitness and spinning events, training courses for instructors. fispin, fispinacademy, rimini wellness
Answer
I’m going to dispel the myth that this is only an issue in the nonreligious world. It’s unfortunately an increasing phenomenon even in the Orthodox community. I’m going to stay away from any religious or halachic perspective on this question, and explore the pros and cons it has on relationships.
Two points:
First, for both genders, physical touch is deeply gratifying, as it should be. It is a gift that was given to all couples so that they can share their passion and connection in a personal, intimate, and exclusive way. It is the glue that keeps couples together.
Before getting physical you need to ask: Are you sure you want to be glued and bonded to someone that you don’t fully know or in a relationship that may well not last?
Sure, it feels good in the moment, but is it worth the long-term pain it will create if and when you discover they’re not who you thought they were or when they walk out the door?
Do you really want to be distracted and hormonally seduced when trying to make the most significant decision of your life? Would you put back a few shots before the biggest interview of your career? Invest your life savings hung over?
Do you really want to be distracted and hormonally seduced when trying to make the most important decision of your life?
Second, Women were created as emotional and communicative beings who thrive on that sort of connection and experience.
A man is a more physical being. As a rule (and of course, there are exceptions) he does not thrive on communication and emotional connection as much as his female counterpart.
A physical relationship provides an outlet for a man’s strong physical needs while avoiding the need for the sort of communication and emotional involvement so deeply gratifying for a woman. In my opinion, by encouraging immediate physical closeness in relationships, our society has sold woman short. It urges them to invest their bodies in relationships for so little in return.
What happened to our self-respect? What happened to a woman saying ‘no’ because she wants her relationship to be built on something deeper than skin and being respected for it?
To the men out there who by now may be upset at me, why do you want to spend time with just any woman? If your woman is that special, put a ring on her finger and build a life, a home and future with her. If you can’t, either you need to get through your blockages or she’s the wrong one. Get to work or move on!
Some might say that physical touch barely affects them at all. I’m sad for them. Senses that are dull to touch are a tragedy for the future of marriage and relationship intimacy.
If you’ve already crossed the touch divide, I’d recommend that if commitment is what you want, sit down and discuss how you can reel your physical activity back so that you can both focus on making the best decision. This may mean that your relationship will come to an end, but if you are with the wrong partner, you’re only saving each other from pain and wasted time.
Remember, dating is merely spending quality time with someone else’s spouse. Don’t settle for your friend’s snacks when you can have dinner at home.
I want to make it clear that I am quite pro negiah (touch). I’m merely suggesting that this overpowering relationship magnet is kept in the safe confines of a marriage where commitment has been established and the safety/security of a lasting relationship are in place.
May we all find that special someone sooner rather than later without distraction, misunderstanding, or mixed messages. May clarity of mind and clarity of heart lead us on the shortest distance to our longest relationship.
