The Journey from ‘We’ to ‘I’…When Moving on After a Break Up Seems Impossible

by | Jan 7, 2019 | Engagement | 0 comments

Question

I recently broke up with a girl that I had been dating for 6 months. We had so much in common, great chemistry, attraction, respect, shared common goals and values, and were heading towards engagement. Just as I had been planning the perfect proposal, she called to tell me, “she just can’t do it”. I am beyond heart broken. I don’t understand it and can’t get her out of my mind. I feel rejected, depressed, hurt and unable to move forward. I don’t want to be with anyone else. Where do I go from here?

 

Answer

I’m sorry to hear what you are going through. There are few emotional pains in life as great as the loss of a relationship. It hits to the core of who you are and it often shakes our inner equilibrium to what we may think at the time, is the point of no return. A break up can trigger a cascade of chemicals in the brain that can make you feel lonely, depressed, worthless, especially if you are convinced you are meant to be with this person. You are not crazy, you are in a real state of chemical distress. Thankfully it is possible to recover.

  • 1) Accept and Move On: The first impulse after such a loss is to try and reconcile differences. This can come across as desperate and insecure while it almost never leads to a successful reunion. Your ex has likely moved on and is not looking to work things out. Don’t allow this relationship to consume any more of the vitality, self worth, and emotion you’ll need to build the life you are meant to live.
  • 2) Mourn: Call out the pain, get it out of your system in order that you can move on. This will allow you to prevent being stuck in the future.
  • 3) Take a Strong Dose of Self Esteem: Knowing that you are valuable with or without any person, job, accomplishment, etc.,  is one of the most valuable life tools. There will always be ups and downs. There will always be people that will try to build you up and those that tear you down. The greatest gift you can give yourself is the development of a healthy self worth to remain strong and confident through it all.

When you allow yourself to become powerless from a break up, you have not only allowed this person to take your past but to steal your future..

  • 4) Be Thankful: Hard as it may seem, it’s good to be thankful that the relationship ended. This is G-d’s way of hinting that it may be the wrong one or wrong time. Forcing a relationship will never create happiness.
  • 5) You Belong Where You’re Wanted: It’s human nature to chase what we can’t have. In relationships, this delivers frustration, rejection and feelings of unworthiness while robbing us of time and emotional investment.  While it may not seem as glamorous, you’ll get better results with a man/woman who truly values what you offer without having to be convinced, coerced or chased. Only in that space can you expect to be valued, respected, loved and appreciated as you are.
  • 6) Learn from Your Mistakes: Analyze what did and did not work in this relationship so that you don’t repeat mistakes of the past. Too often we repeat relationship patterns that are not healthy, although they are familiar and comfortable, because we have not learned from our mistakes.
  • 7) Get Back Out There! Often we are our own biggest barrier to moving forward after a relationship. We make a lot of excuses about why we’re not ready to start dating again, inevitably wasting time from finding the right person. By all means, take some time to heal but then get out there and make it happen! The ability to lean into the discomfort of starting again is an attractive trait to the people you’ll meet and waiting for longer doesn’t make that easier.
  •  

    When you allow yourself to become powerless from a break up, you have not only allowed this person to take your past but to steal your future. Nobody has the right to take that from you. May the journey from We to I facilitate the shortest route to your longest relationship.

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