It is with great sensitivity and humility that I write about the topic of dating after divorce. There are never any judgments made on what another has gone through. What is most important is not where you came but where you are headed. We may even have to be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
Divorce is painful; the destruction of dreams and aspirations. The unfulfilled life you had planned to build. The scars it leaves on you and your possible children. The strength needed to put all the broken pieces back together, alone, often to start life from scratch…again. Taking time to mourn what wasn’t is crucial. Try to work through that challenging process before you begin dating in order to put you best self forward when beginning again.
Have a clear picture of who you are and what you are looking for. Make sure your expectations are reasonable and fair for who you are and what you bring to the table of marriage. Give yourself ample time to heal from a divorce. If you feel the need to share horror stories from a previous marriage early on with your dates, you may not be ready to date yet.
“It is going to be different this time around. I have been through too much pain. I deserve to find my ‘prince charming’ and have my ‘happily ever after’ like a ‘everyone else’. Have you ever found yourself thinking like this? Do you feel this is a realistic pressure to put on a second relationship? Do you have a successful plan on how to find him?
I’m in favor of finding prince/princess charming, but more than that I want to see people in meaningful and healthy relationships rather than holding out for an unrealistic vision of marriage.
I’m in favor of finding prince/princess charming, but more than that I want to see people in meaningful and healthy relationships rather than holding out for an unrealistic vision of marriage.
Of course you want to find the right person, with all the qualities that he/she was missing in the first relationship. Often though, without trying, the list of specifications grows for a second marriage. As if the 2nd marriage will in some way make up for all the years of pain of the first marriage and also be a home run in its own right. That‘s a lot of pressure to place on a dating partner and relationship.
Perhaps the most constructive mindset one can adopt is optimism. Positivity is contagious. I know how hard it could be for those balancing work, parenthood, dating and a social life. It can be challenging to keep it together let alone with a smile, but your ability to survive and thrive is dependent on it. It is obviously easier said than done, but we control our thoughts and actions. We attract people with the energy and vibe we put out.
It is important to be aware that dating hasn’t frozen in time while you were married for years. You cannot step into the dating world without preparing yourself for what has changed. You have also changed and need to update the kind of person with whom you’d be compatible. Looking for the same person you did when you were in your 20’s overlooks all the complex ways in which you’ve grown, evolved, and changed through the process of marriage.
Dating itself has also evolved. Singles’ events may not have been popular when you first dated. Skype and Facebook were not around. Online dating was never an option. Give it a try. Don’t be scared to try something new and break out of your comfort zone.
Most important, remember that even the best marriages always take work. That is a timeless truth of relationships. What’s important is to find a partner with whom to experience the journey, the ups and downs of life. If we can find such a life partner, no matter how imperfect they are – we can build. And what two people can build together in their home, relationship, community and world is boundless. May you find that special person soon in the shortest distance to your longest relationship.
