Ever find yourself looking at someone from afar and putting them and their life on a grand pedestal, wishing you could have their life, and their relationships – that you could somehow be more like them? You then look at your own life and see problems. You look at your date and see flaws in your relationship. You wonder, why can’t it be just right??
The mind has a way of trying to escape reality because, let’s face it, fantasy is so much more easy and fun! How tempting to run from problems and live in the fantasy of someone else’s life avoiding the real challenges of our own.
You went on a date with a really good looking guy/girl, who was super intelligent, very accomplished, had a heart of gold and treated you better than you have ever been treated before. Conversation was extremely comfortable. You felt as if you had so much in common and just didn’t want the date to end. You laughed, shared deeper conversation about your hopes and dreams and time was just at a standstill. Before you know it the two of you are going out more steadily and life has never been better.
Within a very short amount of time, you can easily build this date into something they are not. You run a high risk of escaping to a fantasy life with your fantasy date.How would you know this is happening? If when you dream about your relationship you conveniently forget to include the flaws, those flaws all humans have.
As the dating continues, little habits, behaviors, flaws and unattractive traits start to sneak up…without your permission . How could this be?
Awkward silences are cropping up and are starting to feel uncomfortable. Wait, I was so attracted to her in the beginning but now I’m not sure. His laugh really grates on me, especially when he thinks he is so funny and I don’t. We recently had some disagreements about where we would live and can’t come to a resolution.
Welcome back from your vacation to fantasy! You’re now in a place called reality.
All people have flaws and traits that are not attractive…even YOU!!! What??? Me??? You mean I wouldn’t be a complete dream to live with? I thought everyone loves my obsessive cleaning habits and constant chatter. I thought nobody could notice my forgetfulness and lack of financial responsibility.
Getting to know someone more closely means by definition that we get to see more deeply into them and build a REAL relationship.
Here is the good news. Getting to know someone more closely means by definition that we get to see more deeply into them and build a REAL relationship. That includes the good, bad and ugly – it is all part of what makes us who we are. Our struggles and growth built who we are today and if we want someone to embrace us, we need to embrace the other. Think of intimacy as “into me you see”. There are many levels of emotional, psychological and physical intimacy and all bring us closer to understanding the world of the other.
Keep in mind that if any of these “annoying traits” would really disrupt the harmony, respect or safety of a relationship, caution should be taken and further explored with a mentor or coach privately. If they are “livable” but not so comfortable, think about if it would worth giving this person up for just a few annoying behaviors, of which you may be guilty as well.
If we are unable to get over the livable flaws of another, we can play an endless game of dating, because we will ALWAYS be able to find flaws in another and no man or woman will EVER be perfect. In marriage you will be doing yourself and your spouse a great favor if you choose acceptance. Hey, your spouse did that for you!
May we learn to accept the small annoyances and flaws in one another so that we can stay on the shortest route to our longest relationship.
