Question
I have been dating a guy for the past 7 months. He is wonderful in many ways and our relationship is strong, even though it is not what I had ever imagined. There are things that bother me, yet not enough to break it off. I think we are in a good place and don’t feel the immediate need to move to the next stage.
He is very ready for marriage and I know that he is eager to propose in the near future. I‘m not ready! I don’t want to hurt him, yet I’m not sure how to get over my panic, fear, anxiety, and lack of clarity. I’m not ready to accept a proposal and not ready to break up. All advice and guidance would be greatly appreciated.
Answer:
I feel your struggle. Many people in your position want to just hold onto that comfortable dating dynamic and maintain “the good times” as long as possible. The reality is, dating is a process in constant motion. Either it is getting closer to the goal of marriage or further away.
If you continue to leave thing as is, he will eventually walk away. As much as he wants to marry you, he clearly wants to be in a committed relationship. If you can’t provide that he will find someone that can. This may be hard to hear, yet it’s always better to be prepared for reality rather than get lost in our projections and get hurt later on.
Commitment anxiety can either be the result of a problem with the relationship or a problem with the decision. I’ll address the scenario where one recognizes that their dating partner is the right person (the relationship is good) they just can’t “pull the trigger” (the decision is tough.)
Often this is due to fear, anxiety, trauma from bad dating experiences, a family divorce, unhappily married parents, the loss of a parent, fear of failure, trouble with change/transition or low self-esteem.
Ultimately the decision of marriage is yours. We all have the free will to ruin a great opportunity. We also all have the ability to convince and rationalize to ourselves why it was OK to walk away from that great relationship.
Here are 8 tips that will help you overcome commitment fears:
Ultimately the decision of marriage is yours. We all have the free will to ruin a great opportunity. We also all have the ability to convince and rationalize to ourselves why it was OK to walk away from that great relationship. Sometimes saying “no” is the easy, but not the right, answer.
Looking for the “right one” is important, but it won’t ever solver internal struggles. Nobody else can work on our issues for us. With calmness of mind and clarity of soul may you find the shortest distance to your longest relationship.
Rachel Burnham
