A Single Asks
I often describe the qualities I’m looking for in a spouse to a friend, matchmaker, family member, or on a dating profile. I detail goals and values, what I respect and appreciate in a date, and aspects of my personality. Frustratingly, I’m repeatedly disappointed at the options that come my way. Is it me? Am I not being clear? Are people not hearing me? Does that person not exist? How do I change this damaged pattern of bad or wrong dates?
Answer
This is a common yet frustrating pattern. Here are some helpful tools:
1) Evolving Self-Discovery
Dating is an intensive process of self-discovery. As we date we learn about deeper layers of ourselves, our needs, and what works for us. What we may have wanted years ago, may not be suitable today. It is healthy to update our needs and wants as we evolve through the dating process. We may discover that a completely opposite personality or background may be a refreshing contrast to our own. Take note of lessons gleaned from previous dates and apply them to the future. This will allow you to avoid unproductive past patterns.
2) Would You Date Yourself?
We visualize the perfect date – someone who has all the great qualities we possess and fills in all our weaknesses. Let’s take a closer look at who we are. What I’m about to say may be challenging to hear, but I assure you it’s better to be thinking about this earlier rather than later.
Would you date yourself? Seems like a funny question, although it’s a critically important one. If you don’t feel you are a great catch, why should anybody else? We must feel confident, positive, and happy with who we are and what we present. If we don’t, we will NEVER find somebody to fill our insecurities.
Furthermore, we often attract the wrong person, because we put out the wrong vibe. Depressed, bitter, or unhappy, people tend to attract people of a similar disposition. Even if they did meet a perky optimist they would probably quickly turn them off. Working on our confidence, self-worth, spirituality and positivity is an excellent way to attract a great person. To attract love, we must make ourselves a healthy vessel to receive it. What we are is often what we attract!
To attract love, we must make ourselves a healthy vessel to receive it. What we are is often what we attract!
3) Realistic Expectations
Creating healthy expectations in dating allows us to be fair to ourselves and our date. If we have higher than normal expectations, we will find ourselves disappointed time and again. Everyone deserves a spectacular spouse, but nitpicking on minutia will destroy the possibility of a great relationship. Rethink your priorities and goals. If nobody can measure up, you’ll leave not one, but two people frustrated.
4) Timing is Everything
Maybe we feel great about our lives, who we are, and what we have to offer, but for some reason, we just don’t feel ready to get married or be in a committed relationship. Maybe society, family, or friends are telling us that we need to get married, but we are not feeling ready.
It could be we have a fear, anxiety or blockage about marriage that is standing in our way of moving forward.
If this is the case, don’t ignore your inner conflict. Speak to a therapist or dating coach to work this out. That way, when you do enter the dating scene you’ll be better prepared and more capable of attracting a high caliber partner.
5) Go Where You are Wanted
Expectations set too high will never yield a satisfying relationship. You may need to broaden the possibilities of who you’re willing to date. Find someone who wants what you offer. Long term, you will be cherished, valued and respected, not frustrated in chasing people that don’t want the person you are.
It can be that the time is just not right and your intended just hasn’t yet shown up. The waiting game is painful. While you’re in it, make the most of your time. Live every moment to the fullest, so you won’t regret looking back on your single days.Make sure you are doing everything to stay positive, physically and mentally healthy, and open-minded. Pray and believe that your special one will arrive. Our thoughts can create reality. G-d knows your address and where to find you when the time is right!
Most people can speed up this process through deep internal work, leading to the shortest distance of your longest relationship.
