While nobody goes out intending to act out a shidduch date gone bad skit, people do it all the time. Like every day!
Why? Why self sabotage like that?
Typically people are clueless about how they come across on dates. All they know is that the shadchan calls back with bad news again and again.
Why Do People Ruin Their Shidduch Dates?
There are lots of reasons!
Sometimes, young men and women are going through the motions of what’s expected in the shidduch world and in the frum community, but are not fully invested in the process.
Sometimes, people will let a date go bad because deep inside they are much more afraid of things going well which will lead to commitment and marriage.
People also sabotage their shidduch date so that they don’t have to so that they don’t have to face fears of losing independence, having children, sharing finances, divorce, etc.
Work Through Your Psychological Stuff Before You Date
The best way to get to these problems before they crop up on a date, is to address them directly. We can’t expect marriage to be our hospital and fix our deepest fears and anxieties. These need to be worked out beforehand or we will only make two people miserable.
Pretending to go through the motions of dating when we are not ready for dating, engagement, and marriage is unfair.
Let’s assume that you have worked out your past and are ready to face your future. Here are 5 common mistakes that make a shidduch date go bad and how to avoid them:
By presenting yourself in the best possible dating light and making a strong first impression, you keep your dating partners engaged and create possibilities that may not have been available previously.
Don’t over share on early dates. Aside from being too personal too fast, it comes across as too eager. It leaves nothing to the imagination and/or another date. You want your date to get to know all facets of you, but pace yourself. Healthy relationships progress slowly and steadily.
Checking Out of The Date
Acting distracted, unavailable, flooded, or not actively participating in a conversation sends a clear message that you are not available. Body language, eye contact, and verbal engagement speak louder than your thoughts. If you are interested, make sure to match your actions with what you are feeling and be present. On the other hand, even if you’re sure your date is a dead end, don’t check out. They deserve to be treated with respect and not feel ignored, or worse, like a waste of time.
Poor Personal Hygiene
It’s uncomfortable to have to mention this, but experience tells me it’s best to put it out there. Body odor, dandruff, unkempt or disheveled dress, and general lack of preparedness for a date shows disinterest either in your date, or in dating overall. It’s insulting and a sure way to kill the chance of a date’s success before it’s even begun.
Asking Too Many Questions
You may be tempted to pry into private areas of someone’s life because of something you’ve heard or sheer curiosity. Either way, nosiness is not attractive. Wait until your date feels comfortable making personal disclosures.
Focusing on Yourself
The best dates are not about you flaunting, but about being a good listener and learning about the other person. Active listening is ideal. When you can listen, and ask pertinent and appropriate questions, you’re invested in hearing and learning about another. This quality is not only extremely valuable in marriage, but also shows your date a high amount of respect and value and is extremely attractive.
By presenting yourself in the best possible dating light and making a strong first impression, you keep your dating partners engaged and create possibilities that may not have been available previously. Think about what makes you enjoy a date and do more of that so that you shorten the route to your longest relationship.